What they say happened
by NithyaTemperance
Summary: Matsumoto Rangiku has had enough of Ichigo and Rukia being so impossible.She has had enough.Really. Recruiting brilliant,scheming minds and one very reluctant fake suitor,she will now try her hand at chaotic match-making.
1. Chapter 1

My first IchiRuki fanfic!Sorry ,its a little hurried,but I'll definitely do better with the next chapter!Please review;reviews will decide if I can continue the story!

Note:a) Ono Airi is my OC and is the fukutaichou of the 12th division (she replaces Nemu,I suppose)  
For all those who don't like OCs, don't worry,she doesn't figure much in the story (she's just Ishida's love interest in here-and she's kind of insane)

b)Yes,I really,really love Urahara Kisuke.

* * *

Matsumoto Rangiku was a lot of things. She was a slacker, she was a champion sake-drinker, she was a terrible singer. But not many knew about her unparalleled expertise on making half-baked plans destined for causing mayhem. However, it was not completely her fault; she was naturally incapable of letting things run their natural course and firmly believed that interfering in people's lives was a necessary evil and the only way to have real fun.  
So on a random morning, on a random working day when she was randomly not doing the work she was supposed to be doing and was randomly wondering about what crisis to set in motion next, she just randomly stumbled across a very interesting revelation.

Kurosaki Ichigo and Kuchiki Rukia had a very strange relationship.

Were they friends? Yes.

Were they best friends? Yes.

Were they JUST best friends? Um, no…definitely not.

Well then what were they exactly?  
The posed question consumed her, so much that she did not even pout once when Hitsugaya-taichou came in and blew a fuse seeing all the untouched paperwork.

So it came that Rangiku decided to consult some experts (certain people whose names will not be revealed; but let's just call them Baldy, Pretty boy, Pervy tattoo and Emo blonde).After talking with them, it was unanimously decided that-

A) Kurosaki Ichigo loved Kuchiki Rukia but was too dense to realize it.

B) Kurosaki Ichigo was a very brave idiot; Kuchiki Byakuya was obviously going to try and shred him.

C) Kuchiki Rukia may be possibly beyond the feasible realm of oblivious.

And

D) Their situation was ridiculous, and now that Rangiku had made them think about it it was kind of pissing them off.

And hence it was settled that Matsumoto Rangiku would be allowed to utilize whatever means necessary to resolve this mess, and that she would be provided with whatever assistance she might need.

And also that joining forces with a terrible, genius mind was vital for the success of the operation.

Matsumoto would, therefore have to go to the living world.

* * *

The very secret meeting of a morally questionable nature took place in the receiving room of a certain dilapidated looking shop.

'Why not use Abarai-san?'

'Ah, well, that doesn't seem proper, see? ...his feelings are genuine too…'

There was a momentary silence, then the man's voice spoke again.

'That kid, Hanatarou…he'll be happy to…'

'Psch! That boy, he's too obvious. Using him would be worse than using Renji. Haven't you seen the way he looks at her?'

'Maa, maa ', there was the snap of a fan unfolding. 'This is going to be difficult if half of Seireitei is harboring feelings for the girl.'

'Stop exaggerating. And I told you, didn't I? I have the PERFECT candidate in mind; I just need you to lure him out to me.'

Sandy eyebrows rose lazily.

'LURE him out? '

The woman adjusted the pink scarf over her black shihakusho.

'Well…you know…he's not very, um, trusting of me. So you will have to bring him to me under some false pretence so I can force him into the plan. Think you can do that?'

A truly evil grin spread over the man's pale face.

'_Please._ Who do you think I am_?'_

* * *

'You want me to do WHAT?', Ishida Uryuu croaked out loudly.

'Jeez, must you be so noisy? And surely you heard me the first time?' , Matsumoto Rangiku had no patience for fools.

The boy blinked at the busty woman who sat so calmly in front of him saying fantastic things.

'I-are you insane?', It was a genuine question, and if Matsumoto was being honest, one which she had been asked before.

How had Ishida ended up in this crazy woman's clutches? The poor boy had just come over because Urahara-san (who was, needless to say, going to be found dead with a gleaming reishi-arrow stuck in his chest after Ishida was done here) had sent him urgent summons, claiming there was something wrong with Sado-kun that he needed to talk about.

Matsumoto crossed her arms in front of her as her foot tapped irritatedly against the wooden floor of the Urahara shoten. The time had come to abandon tact, not that she'd been utilizing it much anyway.

'What do you think of Kuchiki, Ishida?', she asked bluntly.

Ishida blanched.

'I-Kuchiki-san is one of my closest friends ', he pushed the glasses up his flaming face in an effort to maintain dignity.

The shinigami woman sighed.

'No. I mean, Kuchiki as a woman?...ah, forget it!', she flicked her hand dismissively when she saw his face don the 'you-are-asinine-and-I-am-terrified-of-you-right-now 'look.

'Look, if she's your friend, don't you want to help her be happy?'

'What does her happiness have to do with _him_?', he asked stubbornly.

'Aw, come on! You know what she is to him and he is to her…'

'Kurosaki is an idiot.'

'Don't waste time pointing out obvious stuff. Look, the boy is completely gone, okay? No hope for him. He thinks he's so good at hiding it all behind that scowl of his when Kuchiki's around but I've actually never met a more obvious loon.'

Ishida could find no argument to this. If someone was insulting Kurosaki, nothing in the world was going to make him disagree.

'Your 'plan' sucks though ', he finally managed.

Matsumoto's shoulders rode up her face.

'Why you-', she snarled, then quieted down quite suddenly and turned as if to leave.' Maa, if that's your final answer-'

'It is.'

'Then I guess cute little Airi-chan will have to deal with the disappointment.'

'W-wait!...what does…what does Airi-san have to do with this?'

The blonde woman paused to hide a smirk and turned around to face the Quincy again.

'Ara! How forgetful of me! Did I not mention that she was the one who recommended you for the job?'

The pale face flushed even more, in pleasure this time.

'She-she did?'

Matsumoto laughed, careful to keep wicked enjoyment out of it.

'Of course! Why would I make it up?...In fact, if I remember correctly, her exact words were, 'If anyone can be trusted to do this properly, its Uryuu-kun!''

The boy was burning now.

'Did she really?...I-but Airi-san really wants this to happen?'

'Oh yes!', the fukutaichou enthused.' She's their number 4 fan! She would be really really unhappy if this fell through, you know', she pouted.

There was a pause as the Quincy pushed his glasses up his nose and folded his arms in front of his chest.

'Well', he started. 'I guess it's a harmless enough thing…what exactly do I have to do?'

Matsumoto Rangiku smiled gloriously.

'Oh just some really itsy-bitsy stuff , really! Nothing too troublesome !', she crooned.


	2. Chapter 2 If a mess we must make

-_- Very short and bad.  
*bows* But please forgive!Next time will be better, I promise!

* * *

Ishida Uryuu stared at a green tree by the side of the road as if it was the last time he'd ever get to see a green tree at the side of a road.

Which was actually kind of true.

Apparently, the 'completely itsy-bitsy, non-troublesome' thing that everyone wanted him to do was-

'Uwaah!Ishida-kun's gonna pretend to be in love with Kuchiki-san so Kurosaki-kun will get jealous and come to his senses!This is so non-cliché!', Inoue Orihime swirled around happily around him.

Yeah, that.

He was the guy who had reluctantly agreed to cook dinner only to find out that he _was_ dinner.

He glared at the considerable number of people standing outside the Urahara-shoten as if there to watch a motorcyclist in a ring of death. A big portion of them had just happened to 'swing by' and had 'unexpectedly' found something interesting happening.

Goddamn that Urahara.

Ok, so Ishida was about to do something very life-threatening and emotionally scarring, but he didn't see why half of the world had to be there to reap sadistic enjoyment out of his here they were, talking in low voices and and occasionally coming over to give him pieces of advice as if he was about to ride to a duel to death.

'Make sure you say something very cryptic and passionate about Kuchiki in front of him!', Shihoin Yoruichi advised.

'Yes', Chad agreed rumblingly.' Something like,' she's the ray of light that brightens a cloudy world''

'…', Ishida.

'…', Yoruichi.

'…Eh~!', Inoue.

Then a burst of crazed applause from a momentarily unidentifiable source.

'Suggoi! Chado-san, Suggoi, kakkoi!', an extremely impressed Ono Airi, who'd appeared seemingly out of thin air.

'Airi!', Yoruichi strode forward to ruffle the younger shinigami's short dark hair. 'When did you get here? '

'Airi-chan!', Inoue ran to hug her almost-chibi friend.

'Ahahaha!I just popped over to deliver some packages to Kisuke-san from Akon-san!', Airi grinned. 'And besides-', she turned to the incredibly big cherry in white clothes that was Ishida Uryuu. 'Besides I heard that there was a lot of excitement over here for some reason! So I volunteered immediately!'

'Well, um…um…', Ishida started hoarsely.

'Ne, Uryuu-kun ! Is it true?That you're asking Rukia-san out?That is so cool! 'She flashed him a giant thumbs up and got a cheerfully serious look on her face, almost killing Ishida because of cuteness overdose and mingled horror/heartbreak. 'Accepting your feelings and acting on them is the first step towards happiness!'

Matsumoto came to save the day when she saw Ishida slide to the floor and curl into a pathetic ball in a corner while preparing to die.

'Airi-chan! How forgetful of you! Ishida is just going to **pretend **to ask Kuchiki out, remember?'

'Ah! Yes, of course! So that Kurosaki-san will realize his feelings towards Rukia-san! Gomen, ne, Uryuu-kun, I forgot! But! I have to go now! I have to-oh, Kisuke-san! ', the tornado-like shinigami tore off in the direction of the ex-taichou, as confusing in her exit as she had been in her entry.

They watched her zoom off and returned to lecturing him as if there had been no interruption of any kind.

Ishida steeled himself and faced them bravely. Seeing Airi-san was like getting an injection of mood-enhancing drugs. He felt he could do anything.

Anything.

But then Ishida was still to learn, and had underestimated the craziness of the nut jobs around him.

Inoue Orihime was threatening him.

The girl who wouldn't raise her voice against a bloodthirsty villain was glaring at him.

'Ishida-kun! Be very nice to her! Kuchiki-san is very precious to me. If you hurt her…', Orihime's usually bright eyes narrowed as she looked uncharacteristically vengeful.

She's already jumped to the part where something goes wrong, Ishida sweatdropped.

Chad's gentle hand came to rest on her shoulder.

'Inoue…he's only acting a part, you don't have to scare him…'

Her brown eyes blinked as she looked between the two males.

'Ah…ah!', her hand came to rest on her neck in an embarrassed gesture. 'Gomen, Ishida-kun! I got carried away…', she smiled sheepishly.

Ishida thanked the brave creature in charge of the universe for Sado-kun, and he silently thanked Sado-kun for being so utile. The pretty girl and the big guy had seemed like a rather strange pair at first, but now he could see why they worked.

'Ishida, you ready?', Matsumoto looked more excited than was decent.

The boy moved his shoulders weakly, mimicking a shrug but not quite making it. Now that the time was here, a huge, alien mass seemed to have settled at the bottom of his stomach, the contents of which he felt ready to empty.

This was illuminating; he had not imagined that asking a girl out involved this kind of raw nerve. But then again, just asking out a girl was different from asking out a girl who could freeze you in a column of ice stretching from the earth to the sky, so he was probably justified in wanting to bail out.

Ishida Uryuu swallowed hard, summoned all the Quincy pride in his body, and stepped out to set into motion stuff that was better when not in motion.

He walked for what seemed like ages, he walked for what seemed like seconds. His heart was beating loudly in his chest and his hands were sweating at an impossible speed. He kept having to readjust his glasses, which kept slipping down his nose the nearer he got to the Kurosaki house where Kuchiki-san had been confirmed to be alone (i.e. sans Kurosaki, at least).

Why was he doing this again ? I mean, there was no way in hell that she was going to say yes, and he'd actually be lucky if a rejection was all he got; he'd seen (and enjoyed) how she kicked Kurosaki , around and he was not eager to find out how much it hurt to be at the receiving end of her ire.

He breathed deeply. Calm…

At least Kurosaki wasn't going to be around ; that had to make things easier. Madarame-san, acting on Matsumoto's instructions, had dragged the buffoon off under some pretext, so at least Ishida didn't have to worry about any immediate jealous bankai attacks.

Just breathe…keep breathing…, he ordered himself. For Airi- san. He must do this for Airi-san…maybe after this nightmare was over, once she was suitably impressed, he could ask to speak to her alone and-

Wait. Speaking of alone…

'Just how far do you people intend to follow me?', he swiveled around to fix an iron door-melting glare at the mass of assorted humans and shinigami, all of whom he considered the current bane of his existence ,trailing behind him.

'Oh, come…just a bit more', Matsumoto, Hisagi and Kira smiled placatingly at him.

'Till near the street corner!', Isshin, Ryuuken (Wait, WHY was that guy even here?),Urahara, Yoruichi, Hitsugaya(WTH?) and Tatsuki nodded.

Ishida placed pale fingers on the bridge of his nose and made a valiant attempt at taking calming breaths.

' Get . Out . Of . Here ', he ground out through clenched teeth.

'Eh? But- '

'GO AWAY!', screamed the dark-haired young man, who actually was mad about so many things at the moment, he didn't even know which one he was reacting to. First, he got dragged into a hopelessly drawn, totally doomed plan .Second, no matter what anyone said, a few hours from now, there was going to be a very dangerous orange-headed moron with a very sharp sword thirsting for his blood, and since everyone knew this very well, he was just a sacrificial camel as far as they were concerned . No wait…was it lamb?...Never mind that though! As if all this wasn't enough, the pumpkin-brained idiots were following him around and not helping with his already fragile state.

So he glared at them some more and slowly, grudgingly, while muttering about his lack of finer feelings, they dispersed. Even though Ishida knew they were just going to tail him anyway from behind lampposts, it still somewhat appeased his ego, and so turning his nose up at their retreating backs, he set off again.


	3. To confessions,and beyoooond!

So early this chapter is!*realizes how jobless she is and cries in a corner*  
But anyway, enjoy!  
Also,Please keep reviewing! I need more reviews, people or my ridiculous brain might lose interest and stop the stuff from coming!

Thank you so much to all the people who took time out to review before!Your lub keeps me going! *stops herself from saying ' Live long and prosper ' *

* * *

'Ku-Kuchiki-san, I would like to speak with you for a bit, if you don't mind', Ishida said, standing at the door of the Kurosaki residence.

Rukia blinked at him over the head of Karin, who was holding the door open and eyeing him somewhat suspiciously.

'Ishida!', Rukia smiled. 'Of course, please come in'.

'Ah, no. Would you mind terribly stepping out ?I would prefer to talk out here', insisted the boy, who, frankly was feeling too light-headed and claustrophobic to bear the thought of being in between walls with Kurosaki's sister glaring at him.

'Ah? Okay, sure', she slipped past Karin and onto the lawn.

'Rukia-chan, if you need something, holler', the younger girl said pointedly, obviously having guessed correctly from his nervous state what Ishida's motives were. Ishida quaked a little inside with the newest knowledge of the potency of this species called girls, but managed to smile disarmingly at her.

'Well, Ishida? What's the problem?', Rukia enquired once they were alone.

'No, no problem', breathed Ishida. He filled his lungs with air, feeling his cool and his confidence returning. Even his forehead was on its way to returning to its normally creased state. He was so almost there.

'Well, I was just…wondering if-you know-if you…um…'

Ok, so cool and confidence were obviously overrated.

To distract himself from apocalyptic thoughts, he looked at Rukia, really looked at her. She looked pretty, very pretty in her simple blue summer dress. But then again, Kuchiki-san had always been pretty. No, beautiful. Ethereal, like an angelic , slightly violent butterfly. Delicate and mysterious.

And those eyes, those seering amethyst eyes-

Color rushed to his face like a surging tide. WHY WOULD HE THINK THAT?WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAVE MADE HIM BELIEVE THAT THINKING THAT WAS GOING TO BE HELPFUL?

'Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!', he berated himself.

Aloud, yes.

Rukia looked appropriately concerned.

So yeah, Ishida congratulated himself; he had totally succeeded.

In making the girl he'd come to ask out think that he had brain damage.

Nice one, Uryuu. Very nice.

Inside the house, ears glued to the door, the Kurosaki twins' eyes widened.

'Karin-chan!', Kurosaki Yuzu gasped. 'Is he-is Uryuu-chan-KA-KARIN-CHAN!'

The last words were spoken in abject horror, as she observed a dark, vengeful aura seeping out of her sister's body.

'Karin…chan?, Yuzu repeated weakly.

Kurosaki Karin was furious. She was livid.

'That-that guy…who does he think he is! Wanting Rukia-chan! The nerve of him! Rukia-chan is Ichi-nii' s, isn't she? Isn't she, Yuzu?'

'Well, Onii-chan hasn't really hasn't really done anything about that, has he?', Yuzu pouted disappointedly. She would have said something derogatory about said useless brother (for she really was annoyed at him) but it just wasn't in her nature.

So her twin filled in for her.

'THAT MORON, Ichi-nii! Does he think that girls like Rukia-chan grow on trees?She's gonna be gone before he knows it, THE IDIOT! Aaaargh! Well, if he loses her, then so there! I hope he stays unmarried all his stupid life then! I won't accept anyone except Rukia-chan as a sister-in-law!'

'Karin-chan, calm down!'

'HE WILL NEVER HAVE MY BLESSINGS!'

Outside, Rukia cocked her head slightly.

'Is someone yelling and throwing stuff around somewhere? What is that sound?', she puzzled.

In the meanwhile, Ishida had managed to pull himself out of the very deep flunk of a very small duration that he'd fallen into because of the unraveling of belief in his abilities.

Yes, this is it! It's now or never! I must say it!, he thought with new resolve.

'See? That's the thing about Ishida. No matter how many times he falls down and provides us with entertainment by embarrassing himself, he's still such a narcissist that he can't think of the possibility of himself failing at anything.', Matsumoto said to Hisagi, Kira and the handful of the earlier stalking party which had decided to stick through till the end. They were currently crouched behind a cluster of wilting bushes across from the couple and were surveying them through binoculars and following the conversation by the means of the bug that Matsumoto had placed on Ishida while pretending to wish him good luck.

Hitsugaya Toushiro had noted this down in his little black book and had sworn to dust himself thoroughly before having any private conversation in future.

'But, Matsumoto-san! Is this really alright?Its-Its really unethical!', Izuru Kira didn't like where this was headed.

'Oh, hush, it's totally okay. You say that to everything. It was the same story back when I made you drink the drug-laced sake'.

'SO YOU ADMIT THAT IT WAS LACED?', Hitsugaya hissed angrily.

'Oooh boy! Look! He's going to ask! Look!', Matsumoto squealed, pointing at Ishida and Rukia and ignoring her taichou completely.

'MATSUMOTO !'

Rukia whipped around to peer into the nearby vegetation.

'Jeez, what is with this place?I could swear I heard someone yell right now…', she frowned.

'Kuchiki-san!', Ishida burst out in a shrill voice he apparently adopted whenever he was shit-nervous.

It's not very masculine, by the way.

I-Ishida?', Rukia asked carefully, eyeing him as if expecting him to explode.

He steeled himself and looked into her violet eyes, let himself drown in them.

'I-Kuchiki-san…please-please go out with me!'

Silence.

('Oooh!', Hisagi said, but all his fellow stalkers immediately hushed him up)

Rukia stared at Ishida. The wind seemed to have died. Hell, even the birds had gone quiet. The mysterious ruckus from the house had come to an abrupt stop too.

Not good.

Ishida's eyes flitted to the door apprehensively, but unlike their brother, Kurosaki's sisters seemed to posses some tact and politeness at least because no one came bursting out to kill him.

Either that, or ( more probably ), the brunette was being restrained by the non-insane one.

'Ishida…'

His face flamed as he looked back at the shinigami, who was watching him with thoughtful, jewel-like eyes.

What was she thinking, he wondered…He tried to get his erratically beating heart to calm down, but how could it, really, when she was looking at him like that?

Dammit, this was such a stupid idea! She was probably deciding on how to let him down easy; she was trying to find a way to refuse him without hurting him. Shit. She was-

'What is…going out?

NO.

Her violet eyes were wide with pure, innocent curiosity. Ishida restrained himself from finding a tree trunk to smash his head on.

This-he couldn't _explain_ this too! This was way beyond what he'd agreed to! This was absurd!-Oh well, Kuchiki-san, going out is dating, like we hold hands and kiss and stuff'- 'Oh, come, Ishida, look at me, look at you. Of course the answer is no; why did you even bother asking?'.  
No. He wasn't going through that. Even though, obviously Kuchiki-san was too nice to say something like that.

THIS SHIT WAS IMPOSSIBLE!

Rukia was still watching him hopefully, so he struggled to find an appropriately worded definition.

'Well, um…you-you see, Kuchiki-san...when, um…when two people like each other, they, um, well, they go places together and…well…'

'Like?', the violet eyes were impossibly wide now.

'Yeah', he blushed. 'You know, as in-'

'But then it's ok, isn't it!', she smiled.

'Yeah, but-wait, what?'

Her face was tinged the slightest rose and God, she looked so beautiful. Kurosaki totally didn't deserve this…maybe he should back out.

It was like handing a monkey a tiara. It had to be illegal.

'Ishida', she blushed a little more. 'I like you.'

* * *

To be continued!  
-_- Dont kill me,its still IchiRuki!

:D review , review !


	4. When being an okay which is perfect

The title of this chapter makes sense.  
Really.  
Don't let it fool you; that is exactly what it says on my new wallet and so I'm sure that in some part of the world its a very meaningful, philosophical-like sentence.

Anyway, enjoy!Chapter's short but I'll be uploading another one immediately in a few hours!  
I'm stuck a bit, so let the reviews come with encouragements and I'll upload maybe today itself!

-_- please forgive if it sucks a bit.  
Which it does.  
Next one is definitely better! :D

* * *

Heart attack. Chest burn. Seizure.

WHAAAAAAAAAAT? WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT WAS WHITE-!  
Ishida was about to start expressing these thoughts of his ,which was going to involve a lot of mad waving of arms and terrifying expressions and facial colors, but he was interrupted, some would say fortunately.

No one wants to endure visual trauma for no reason.

'I really really like all of you', Rukia smiled one of her rare, genuine smiles, her cheeks flushing, eyes shining, looking like and an unbearably adorable Chappy without the anatomical specifications. 'You, and Inoue, and Sado, and…'

Good grief. This woman.

He almost died, didn't he?

Ishida glared viciously at the grass at his feet as if it was personally responsible for his plight. If he were to correct Kuchiki-san about the meaning of the term, if he managed to do that without dying of heart failure because of the mindboggling naïveté of this woman who was centuries older than him, she was, he was positive, sure to refuse him. At this point, she might not even be sure as to why, but she would say no. If she knew …

Wait.

Wait.

_If_ she knew! _If!_

_If!_

_The point was for __**Kurosaki**__ to think that this was a __**date**__, wasn't it?_

The Quincy looked up at the shinigami with new hope shining in his sapphire eyes.

Oh, for obliviousness!

'It's like going out for ice-cream', the words were out of his mouth before he could think twice.

'Eh?', Rukia tilted her head slightly in a silent question.

'You know, since we like each other, because we're friends, you know, we go out and um, eat stuff and watch movies and stuff. That's, um that's what it is...'

'Eat ice-cream?', she asked excitedly.

'Yes!', he grinned at her.' We'll have fun!'

'Ah~! Okay!'

Ishida looked at her joyous face, her amethyst eyes looking at him with absolute trust, and had a very vivid image of himself burning in hellfire.

Sorry, Kuchiki-san!, he thought frantically. Forgive me this one!

'Will everyone be coming?', she asked.

Oh. Yeah, that.

'Well, a date is only between _two_ friends, Kuchiki-san. But you know, after we finish our date, you can then go on one with Inoue-san and Sado-kun, even Arisawa-san and-no wait, not Asano-kun though', Ishida was suddenly struck with the horrifying implications of something like this happening; bloodied streets, Asano Keigo's body lying lifeless, result of a mysterious, powerful attack, with spiritually-aware people claiming to have seen an orange-headed beast-man in black hacking the schoolboy. No, that simply wouldn't do; as a resident of Karakura cho, he couldn't very well stand aside and let its reputation be tarnished like that. Besides, who was going to clean all the blood? Sheesh.' Kuchiki-san, it is imperative that you never say yes to Asano-kun, okay?', he continued earnestly.

'Ah? Okay, if you say so', if she was surprised, she didn't show it; in retrospect, Ishida had to admit that the idea couldn't have held any appeal to her in the first place. And who could blame her, really?

'Ishida?'

' Yes , Kuchiki-san?'

'Will I..I mean, will I also get to-', she cleared her throat, her cheeks pink.' Get to go on one with Ichigo?'

Ishida was tempted, oh so tempted to throw his hands in the air and scream stuff about victory and the beauty of the world. He debated whether to consider this a job done after all. Kuchiki Rukia likes moronic Kurosaki Ichigo back!Why wasn't his little stunt over then!He considered siding up to Rukia and conspiratorially relate to her the objective he was working towards (wouldn't that make everything just so much easier!) but godammit, Matsumoto would definitely find out; damn woman had ears of a hawk. Wait, wasn't it 'eyes of a hawk'?...Then what was that about ears?...elephants, maybe?...hmm.. Let's see…

'Ishida?', Rukia interrupted, saving him from having to delve into the depths of his own ignorance.

'Ah, yes! Of course you can, Kuchiki-san! Absolutely you can!'

She narrowed her eyes suspiciously at his over-enthusiasm, but fortunately Ishida had been acting mad consistently throughout their conversation, so this particular reaction didn't stand out much after all.

'Okay, so let's go then!', she jumped up.

'Eh? What, NOW!'

' Why not?'

'Well, um…how about evening today?', he offered. Hopefully, he'd have gotten himself together by then. Fake or not, he really was looking forward to not falling down in pieces in front of a date.

She grinned excitedly. 'Okay!'  
Probably already dreaming about ice-cream, Ishida thought.

'Should I come pick you up at seven then? Oh, and wear something nice'

She looked down at her dress.

'No! Not that you don't look nice now! I mean, people usually dress up on dates, that's all!', he burst out. How smooth he was when talking to females. He should just die, really. 'Kuchiki-san always look beautiful, no matter what!', he added, face burning.

He really wanted to go home now.

She smiled.

'Will Ishida wear something nice too?'

'Ah? Well, sure…if-if you want me to…'

'Please do! I will too! It'll be fun', she grinned, eyes sparkling. She turned and started towards the house whose door was suspiciously open a crack or two. 'I'll see you in the evening then!'

Ishida sighed, and feeling extremely spent, started dragging himself in direction of home to enjoy the few hours of his life before Kurosaki's pea brain declared him to be a mortal enemy.

He didn't notice the bushes he passed twitching every few moments as a bunch of interfering shadows followed him.

'Matsumoto to 11! Smooth execution of part A! Release the Strawberry!', one of them said into a walkie talkie.

At the same time, Madarame Ikkaku blandly informed Kurosaki Ichigo that they should go home now since he didn't think they were going to find that rainbow colored fishy that Yachiru had asked for after all, and that it would seem like when Ichigo had been yelling that it didn't exist as he was being dragged to random shops, he had been making sense. 'Meh, whatchyagonnado?', he is said to have muttered as he bid a crude farewell to the fuming shinigami daiko.

When Ichigo got home that day, having killed Madarame Ikkaku a dozen times in his head, he was a in a pretty black mood. He responded to his father's not-so-much-of-a-surprise attacks with even more violence than usual, gave monosyllabic answers as Yuzu(who looked suspiciously cross with him for some reason) asked him what he'd like for dinner and frowned generously at Karin, who seemed to be in an even worse mood that him and kept finding excuses to snap at him.

The only exception was Rukia, who seemed to be in an exceptionally cheerful state of mind. Of course, this itself was worrying enough; usually the demon midget would be reading those disturbing manga of her's and ignoring his existence or atleast picking fights with him.

'What's up with you?', he enquired suspiciously of her he rinsed plates and she dried them. They really did work so well together, didn't they? Almost as if…almost…as if they were…Whoa! Ok, Kurosaki no more! No more earth-shatteringly disturbing thoughts like that!

Rukia, oblivious to the mental trauma he had just suffered, shrugged daintily.

'Nothing', she chirped.' Why do you ask?'

O-kaaay, did she just answer him _properly _ and without so much of a hint of a patronizing tone?

Rukia is dying from a horrible disease!, his panicked brain screamed.

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Review please!

Lose not le patience, the next chapter comes!


	5. Beyond good and evil

Yes,the name of the chapter comes from Friedrich Nietzsche's book.  
Yes,I named it so because I'm reading it right now.  
And yes,I am very lazy.

Also,to anyone who might have read my earlier fics, yes I am unhealthily obsessed with ice cream!

:D Read and review please!

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'Oi. Are-are you okay?',Ichigo asked with the gruffly concerned tone she'd told him so many times that she hated but he was convinced she actually loved.

'Oooof course!', she sang brightly. She dried the last dish, threw her towel down with a flourish, and started skipping towards the stairs to his room.

'I'll be off now! I have to get ready for something important!'

'Eh? What for!...OI! COME BACK AND FINISH THE CONVERSATION, MIDGET!'

There. He'd called her 'that word'; he waited to get attacked viciously by a handful of shinigami but instead the weird knot in his stomach grew when the only response he got was silence.

When he finally got to his room after escaping Karin (she kept hitting him with her pencil as she did her homework while claiming that it was an accident), he found it devoid of Rukia.

He scratched his neck thoughtfully and frowned the frown he reserved for exceptionally annoying occasions . What was up with midget? Why wouldn't she just tell him already!  
And…wait…why the hell was it bothering him so much!

He huffed angrily and collapsed face down on his bed.

That's right…They never kept stuff from each other. That's why. He was only concerned…because…because she might have gotten herself mixed up in another one of Keigo's shady schemes to extract a date out of her…so he was just looking out for her! Because they were friends, weren't they? Even if she really pissed him off, they were still friends,…they were nakama…Rukia was…she was…for him…

Ichigo didn't know when exactly he'd fallen asleep, at exactly what embarrassing thought, but when he woke up it was starting to get dark outside and there was a commotion outside his door.

'Wassamazzer?', he spluttered out as he swung open his door. 'Hollow!'

Yuzu barreled towards him from nowhere and tugged at his sleeve excitedly.

'Onii-chan! Onii-chan!Look look! Rukia-chan is-'

'SO CUTE!'

And then Ichigo realized that he was dreaming. Of course he was; there was no freaking way that Karin said stuff like 'cute'. This was some weird, twisted version of reality and any moment now his dad would climb up the stairs like a normal adult instead of running up and ask to talk to him about his grades or something like what normal parents talked about to their children.

The next second another realization hit him with equal force.

If he was dreaming, then this was a very inappropriate dream.

Rukia was walking towards him out of the twins' bedroom, and he couldn't tear his eyes off her.

She wore a simple, flowy summer dress of a delicate yellow, which reminded him of sunny days and laughter. The soft bell sleeves hugged her slender, pale arms. Her onyx hair was tied back in a cute ponytail, leaving her small, heart shaped face open with only the one persistent stray bang between her eyes. Her eyes… God, why had he never realized how breathtaking they were? What was with that unearthly color, that magnetic depth which was calling him, pulling him in –

'So! What do you think?', Rukia asked softly. Her cheeks were bright as she didn't look at him.

Godammit, when did she get so-

'KAWAIIIII!', Kurosaki Isshin launched himself across the room to hug the tiny shinigami.

'Kawaii! kawaii! Kawai! ,' he repeated as he glomped her.' Daddy's third daughter is so kawaii it breaks daddy's heart to let you go out with another man!'

WAIT, WHAT!

'Another man?' , he burst out incredulously but his entire family had taken this very moment to completely ignore him as they fawned over a flushed Rukia.

'OI!Answer me, will ya?', he bellowed.

One would think she was the real daughter and he the stranger freeloading off them at their place.

'Ne, Onii-chan, how does Rukia-nee look? Heh?', Yuzu asked excitedly.

Was it just him or did the entire house go quiet as everyone stared at him in silence?

His face had gone hot. The hell was wrong with him!Demon midget had finally driven him insane!

'I- well-'

Another man, eh?, he thought with a fury that surprised even himself. Like hell! She was gonna go out looking like that...and...and...well, it wasn't safe! This man, who was he to...to...take her...away...

'She looks stupid', he snorted.' Go change, midget!'

A wave of demeaning words crashed against him as all the other Kurosakis rose against him in revolt.

'How dare you, you idiot son!'

'Ichi-nii is a moron so he wouldn't know anyway!'

'Apologize to Rukia-nee RIGHT THIS MINUTE, Onii-chan!'

Ichigo tried to not show how much their glaring red eyes and the claws popping out of their hands terrified him and turned to Rukia, who looked the least affected by his earlier words.

'What man is this you people keep talking about and why are you going with him?', he asked bluntly.

'None of your business', she replied coolly.

Ichigo seethed. He looked away from her because that idiotic thing she was wearing was for some reason making him uncomfortable. Doubtless Ishida was to blame for this! The birdbrain and his needle and thread!  
Clueless yet of just how much the Quincy was to blame, he ploughed on.

'It's not Keigo, is it?', but then he crossed the idea; no matter how generous someone was being, there was no way anyone would refer to that thing as a 'man'.

Then a terrible thought seized him.

'It's-it's not Renji, is it ?' Damn that red-haired baboon; he was going to be dead meat once Ichigo was done with him!

Rukia bestowed upon him a withering look from her endless arsenal of demeaning looks.

'Did you leave what little brains you possessed back in Dreamland? Why would Renji be involved in this?'

Well, atleast she was insulting him again, so she had to be returning to normal from her strange sparkly-happy self from before.

Not that that let her off the hook. He pushed the masochistic thoughts out of his head and continued, determined.

'Who is-'

Then the bell rang and all hell broke loose. Because apparently the expected person was so damn important that everyone wanted to be the one to see him first. Ichigo felt more illogical rage build up against this unknown male. Was it weird that he was feeling this? Pooh, of course not, he was just…he was just… look, it was perfectly normal, okay!Because..Er…hell, he should go look at who was at the door!

Ishida stood outside the Kurosaki house and pushed his sweating palms in the pockets of the black blazer he was wearing over a white shirt and pale blue jeans. He was way too nervous for this shit; it was just a fake date. Though well, he guessed no matter how this turned out, his first date would always be this one, where he had conned an innocent girl into going out with him. An innocent girl who was one of his closest friends , that too.

So yeah, cheers.

His mom would be real proud if she found out.

Then the door was flung open and two tiny faces pressed together greeted him with stony gazes.

'Yes?, Kurosaki Karin inquired icily.

'Hello, Uryuu-chan', Kurosaki Yuzu greeted in a voice only slightly warm, which was as cold as she was capable of being.

'Uryuuu-chaaaannnn!', the twins were swept aside as their father threw himself on Ishida, crying.

'Please take very good care of my third daughter! I beg of you, really!'

Ishida's eyebrow twitched. This man, really…wasn't this shameful overacting? And who the hell gave him permission to call him that!

Then into his vision walked a goddess.

If he had doubts about Kurosaki being worthy of the shinigami woman before (He did. A lot of them. They pricked his conscience and kept him awake at night.), then he was _**sure**_ now that he wasn't.

No one was.

'Kuchiki-san…' , he started.

Then a menacing dark shadow stretched over him, and a scowling, murderous looking orange- headed demon appeared between him and Rukia.

'Ishida?', Ichigo growled.

Ishida really couldn't help it. This was how he got reimbursed for the shit he had to put up to help with this plan.

This.

Kurosaki's livid face.

Ishida lifted the corners of his lips, and he smirked.

'Yes, Kurosaki?', he asked coolly.


	6. The greatest show on Earth

Okay, another book title for the chapter!  
Anyway so please enjoy!  
Forgive if it sucks, I am so sleepy, I might have filled this stuff with my nightmares or something.

Gah, I know it's short, but uploading another chapter tomorrow or such!

Review please! :D

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'Ishida…', Ichigo's eyes could see nothing but red. The color was everywhere; it was imprinted in his eyes. His blood was boiling.'Ishida…'

Rukia raised one eyebrow, still very much at sea, and in the process failed to see how Ishida Uryuu's smirk widened.

The Quincy stepped forward with an easy grace, or rather he very well flaunted it in Kurosaki's face, seeing as the bright haired Neanderthal could never in a million years achieve it. Before Ichigo's overwhelmed brain could process anything, one pale, masculine hand was being offered to the shinigami girl who was unknowingly the cause of such excitement.

With a casual tilt of his head that would have girls swooning, Ishida smiled down at Rukia.

'Shall we, Kuchiki-san?', he said.

Kurosaki Isshin started bawling, shouting something about finally being able to die in peace now that his third daughter was in such good hands. Inspite of herself, Kurosaki Yuzu uttered a faint, heartfelt kyaaah!

Kurosaki Karin snorted, but the sound was confused rather than rude and her cheeks were slightly pink.

Color had crept over Rukia's cheeks too, and she smiled as she accepted Ishida's hand, though still looking somewhat lost. Her violet eyes swept between Ichigo and Ishida, not comprehending what was happening but unable to ignore the waves of raw hostility emanating from the substitute shinigami and those of sadistic enjoyment seeping from every single cell of the Quincy's body.

'Now-', Ishida started. But he was cut off by a slight yelp from Rukia as her other hand was seized in a ridiculously strong grip and she was pulled back and behind a firm body which completely blocked Ishida's view of her.

'OI! Ichigo!', came her furious complaint from the other side of the Kurosaki wall. Ichigo ignored her and crossed his arms in front of his chest. He glared at Ishida.

'Ishida…', he ground out again, with difficulty.

Ishida sighed wearily. Already having being blessed with a pitifully limited vocabulary, Kurosaki seemed to be in a mood to be aiming for particularly self esteem-destructive behavior today.

Poor guy.

Ishida almost felt sorry for him.

Nah.

Seeing Kurosaki so conflicted and, and so…so troubled was responsible for Ishida almost bursting into a very energetic jig right then.

Almost, of course. Even in a world as unfair as this, certain things were deemed below the belt.

'What is it Kurosaki? Must you always display your worryingly low level of intelligence? What is going on is obvious enough; Kuchiki-san and I are off on our first date. Now, kindly step away and stop trying to childishly hide her behind you.'

Ichigo growled and moved to reveal a very pissed looking Rukia. Ishida had to admit that the orange headed boy's compliance had more to do with the fact that an infuriated Rukia had been making sounds the kind of which gave the distinct impression of her being in the process of sprouting sabers and bat wings rather than with his scathing comments.

Though his comments were real awesome - like, okay?

'GAH!', Ichigo expressed as a deceptively delicate looking fist caught him sharply on one cheek.'Gahaa?',he added when another one landed on his other cheek.

Ah, Kurosaki, the noises you make make me so happy, Ishida purred as he smiled blissfully.

He turned to the shinigami daiko's scandalized family with their eyes and jaws rolling on the floor.

'OHMYGAWD!NO!I TOTALLY DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY!I SWEAR! OH GOD NO! I DI-DIDN'T SO STOP CRYING KUROSAKI-SAN, YUZU-CHAN!'

At the same time, Rukia was busy attacking a helpless Ichigo.

The Kurosaki house was not a place for a sane person wishing to keep his or her sanity would want to pass by that day.

A couple of people did pass, but they were simply stalkers disguised as passers-by so it was okay. They just paused to survey the scene and decided that they didn't understand anything. Then they relayed the message to their voluptuous blonde superior who informed them that they had no brains whatsoever. It was a perfectly normal day in their lives.

At some point Yuzu noticed them hulking around the bushes, and due to them being suspiciously attired in black hooded robes they had looted from a couple of earthlings on their way to some place called 'Hogwarts', immediately brought their presence to her father's attention.

This was, of course not a very bright thing to do.

In a reaction that topped his own chart of inappropriate and reference-less reactions, Kurosaki Isshin, former member of the elite Gotei 13 rose up, flapping his arms like a demented rooster, and launched himself across the lawn at the terrified hooded figures of fukutaichous Kira Izuru and Hisagi Shuuhei, all the while howling like a dying dog. After a moment of horrified indecision, Ishida dove to tackle him to the ground while the two shinigami fled, screaming.

All their battle experiences had not prepared them for a psychological attack like this one.

'Snap out of it, Old goat!', Karin bent over to pull harshly at her father's cheeks.' Come on now!'

With a last whimper, Isshin slumped bonelessly in Ishida's arms.

'Ah, we should have been ready for this', Yuzu said as she helped her father out of the stupefied Quincy's grasp and towards the porch.

'Che! Stupid goat gets himself too excited!', Karin spat.

They left, leaving a completely speechless Ishida lying on the ground, his white shirt smeared and ruined.

'Uryuu-kun? Are you okay?'

Like a fat, fat python in squelchy Amazonian mud, Ishida swerved on the ground to stare at the owner of the voice.

Big grey eyes surveyed him with mild interest and worry.

No way. Not now.

'Airi-san?', Rukia ran over, followed by Ichigo, who looked remarkably unruffled by the terrifying spectacle his father had presented; this made Ishida's blood boil. If they all knew there was stuff wrong with him, they should do something about him dammit! Not leave him to let himself loose on random unsuspecting people!

Anyway, so Airi-san…

'Ah! Helloooo Rukia-san! Long time no see!', Ono Airi grinned, her arms laden with packages. 'Hello, Ichigo-kun!'

'Ah, Airi…what…are all those boxes?', Ichigo asked, noticing Ishida struggling to get up from the ground and not bothering to help.

'Eh!I had to deliver these to Kisuke-san but he's away so I came to entrust them to Isshin-san. But then', she peered at Ishida, who was dusting himself and cursing his cheeks for flaming every time he looked at her.' But then I saw Uryuu-kun lying on the ground and I thought it was a really strange thing to do…'

Rukia and Ichigo turned to look at Ishida enquiringly.

The hell! Like they didn't know what all shit had happened!

Fat lot of help they had been too!

'But Uryuu-kun', she turned to fix him with her luminous eyes. 'Are you sure you're okay now?'

Of course his brain had to bail out on him now. Of course. And wasn't his heart tired of pumping all that blood to his face already?

'Um…ah?...y-yeah…', he stuttered.

Ichigo's eyes observed his frenemy's reaction carefully, with a cunningness no one would think to credit his brain with.

His lips slid into an ill-omened grin.

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Dont forget to review!They keep me going! :D


	7. I want to start a party time with you!

This time, the chapter name comes from my pencil box in which I keep my paint brushes. And I'm sure this means something too, somewhere. Probably.  
I am so sorry; again its very short!And its kinda starting to drag a bit, I'm afraid!  
But please enjoy!a leetle bit of IshiRukiIchi friendship because come on, those guys are adorable together!

Please do review!Reviews make me happy and make me write moar!

Not particularly brilliant, but have fun nonetheless! :D

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'So…Ishida', Ichigo started very loudly. 'You're taking Rukia out, are you?'

'Eh? Yeah, I am'

'Welllll then, you wouldn't mind then, say, maybe, if I ask, say, Airi-san here to-'

Ishida's eyes widened behind his glasses.

'Kurosaki…', he growled.

Ichigo smirked, not unlike Ishida had some time ago.

Then he turned to a still clueless Airi.

'Airi-san', he started in his most charming manner, careful to keep both Ishida and Rukia in view so as to see their reactions.

He wasn't one to ask random girls out, or hell, any girls out, but God knows he'd had a crazy helluva confusing day with all the hormones and polar emotions and whatnot and dammit he just wanted to do something real reckless and ridiculous now!

'Will you go out with me?', he flashed her his perfect grin.

The Kurosaki charm was on and there was no way the mesmerized looking girl could resist it.

Now that Ichigo was doing this he was could see all kinds of possibilities opening up. He would just parade Airi-san in front of Rukia's and that sissy Quincy's face and -well, he wasn't really sure what he was working towards here but he would figure it out when he got there. He did believe himself to be capable of some brilliance, even with overwhelming evidence to prove the contrary. And then-

Ono Airi's smile was like a blinding sun.

'No, thanks!', she chirped sweetly, looking right into his eyes without a shred of delicacy.

Then she waved to Ishida.

'Good luck, ne Uryuu-kun!', she enthused. 'See you, Rukia-san, take care, Ichigo-kun!'

Then she hopped away and disappeared.

It was the longest three minutes of Ichigo's life, the time after the little shinigami had left and when he stood in the slowly darkening lawn with Ishida and Rukia's silent forms.

Then-

'MmMfffrgh!', Rukia snorted.

'Hahaha!', Ishida laughed.

And then they were rolling around, the Quincy and the violet-eyed shinigami, holding their stomachs and chortling, releasing peals of laughter, wiping their eyes of moisture.

Ichigo had never felt his body temperature shoot so high in his life.

He had also never wanted more to kill a pair of people before.

He stood there and endured the humiliation, because he knew that if he said anything the sadistic germs would enjoy it all even more.

When Ishida finally stopped, it was to check the time.

He immediately shot to his feet and rushed to help Rukia up.

'Kuchiki-san! We must leave now! All the good flavors will be gone!', he reached out to take her hand.

'Ahaha! Yeah…', she sniffled.

Her hand was small and slightly cold, but it fit perfectly in his. Ishida found himself wondering, with a flaming countenance, if this was how Airi-san's hand felt. No, her's would be slightly smaller…and warmer. It would have more-

'Aaaargh!'

The demon Strawberry had hit him on the side of the head.

'What the hell, Kurosaki?', Ishida yelled.

Ichigo crossed his arms in front of him and scowled magnificently.

'You had a really disgusting look on your face, like you were thinking improper thoughts. It ticked me off', he spat through gritted teeth.

Ishida saw red.

'Why you little-'

But Rukia intervened and demanded she be taken to the ice cream parlor at once; since she could not wait anymore and wasn't interested in sitting here watching two idiots fight.

'Well, I'll come too then!', Ichigo started firmly. He started to run inside to get his jacket, then looked hurt when Rukia told him that of course he couldn't come, this was her and Ishida's date and then wouldn't it defeat the whole purpose of a date?

Ishida's guilt kicked in again and he forced himself to look out for a sign of Kurosaki Isshin as punishment. He was just about to start off when-

'Ishida'

The Quincy turned, and with martyr like patience, raised an eyebrow.

'Yes, Kurosaki?'

'Ishida, if-if you…'

'Speak, Kurosaki; I do not have the entire day. Like I said, they'll run out of flavors.'

Ichigo looked up to reveal a truly terrifying face.

'If you touch Rukia, I will kill you.'

There it was.

Ishida turned so only Ichigo could see him and smirked tauntingly at the shinigami.

'Now what could you possibly mean by that, Kurosaki?'

Rukia appeared at his elbow.

'Why would Ishida touch me? Are you insane?', she scowled at Ichigo, looking pretty insane herself, and then looked at Ishida to garner support to her argument.

The boy in the blazer shrugged with wide, innocent eyes.

Guilt be damned; it was strawberry smoothie time.

'I have no idea what he's talking about either, Kuchiki-san', he claimed. 'Perhaps Kurosaki is mistaking a date for something else?', he smirked again.

Ooh boy, this was fun!

Ichigo's fists balled as Ishida imperceptibly slipped an arm around Rukia's shoulder.

'You look here, you-'

'Why?', Ishida asked loudly and seemingly out of context.

'Eh?'

'Why does it bother you if I touch Kuchiki-san? It does bother you, doesn't it? Why do you not like it if she goes out with someone else, Kurosaki?'

Silence.

Ishida almost held his breath.

This was the moment. If he played this right and if God intervened to perform the miracle of lending Kurosaki a few brain cells from here and there, operation 'Sacrificial Quincy' would end right now without his slightly baseless fear of unavoidable casualties coming true.

Even Rukia seemed to be deep in thought.

He had to realize it, he had to see it by now. No matter how moronic Kurosaki was, even he-

'Because! I am responsible for her! Because-because Byakuya will slaughter me if I let her wander around like that and get herself mixed up in weird stuff or something!'

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

Stupidity of this level existed?

It broke Ishida's faith in the human race.

'Nii-sama?', Rukia wondered out loud.

'Yeah!', Ichigo pounced.'Think about it! Do you really think he'd approve of this? He would be-'

Ishida waved a piece of paper under the boy's nose.

'He's fine with it; here's the evidence'

'What is-Holy! He signed it!', Ichigo gaped at the high quality paper with Kuchiki Byakuya's elegant penmanship declaring that he approved of 'the Quincy boy' as a 'consort' for his little sister as long as he knew his place, which was apparently at her feet.

'That is right', Ishida moved to take the paper back, but Ichigo held it further away from his grasp.

'How'd you get this?'

'Matsumoto-san got his permission for me! He thinks I'm a good match for Kuchiki-san, okay? So deal with it and stop being a child!'

'A good match?You're a Quincy!'

'Oh so you're better how exactly? You're not a complete shinigami or a complete human! You're a like a mix breed!

'Hey atleast I don't have any lame glasses, Four eyes! And wait, how come I am the only who's creeped out that Rangiku-san has something like this?'

At this point they both realized that Rukia had walked off on her own in the direction of the market, and after muttering a muffled curse, Ishida took off to catch up to her.

Ichigo watched them disappear around the corner with a stone in his stomach.

A fire was blazing in him and he felt angry and disappointed and depressed all at the same was so exhausting, all these emotions all at once.

He sighed, decided he totally did not envy his sisters their menses, and decided to be a fair sport about the whole thing and go back to his room after all.

Haha, no. Of course not.

Clumsily, a non-ninja pretending to be a ninja, he started to tail them.

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^_^ Review!

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Review! ^_^


	8. Omens ?

A book name for the title again! This time, one that makes sense in English also!

Its a little short, probably, and it took me quite a while to get in the mood to come up with it, since I'd halfway ended up losing interest in it. But here you go!

^_^ Please enjoy!

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Ishida quickened his pace as he struggled to keep up with Rukia. How she was managing the superhuman speed which was most definitely not shunpo was beyond him (I mean, dammit, her legs were TINY!) The thought of ice cream was lending her the swiftness and the brutal glaring ability of a female dragon protecting her eggs.

Every so often when he made the unforgivable mistake of falling behind, she would twist around with a terrible energy and fix him with eyes that said, only, 'Fool. I kill.'

'Kuchiki-san, please wait up!', he called out as he took off at a pathetic almost-run while trying to reach the petite figure which walked in front of him.

She turned to fix him with an icy glare that rendered her zanpaktou useless, and the bespectacled boy sighed, knowing that he had brought this upon himself by engaging the orange baboon back then.

The scientific part of Ishida's brain that wasn't busy trying not to outwardly show the intense terror that the glare shot through him wondered how it was possible for a face that was so beautiful to look so dangerous and psychotic-killer like. He had to get back in her good books somehow.

Lost in all these things he was trying to cope with, he did not notice the bright haired figure that followed him with no subtlety whatsoever.

Ichigo was scared. He was shit-terrified. If Rukia ever found out about this, she was going to make him take a ride in the washing machine. Beads of sweat dripped down his tanned face as he slipped behind walls and dustbins and whatnot. Not that this helped much, of course. With his blast of citrus hair, he might just have been walking around naked and have attracted less attention. People stopped whatever they were doing to stare at him, some in fascination, while others just looked suspicious, obviously convinced that he was a delinquent.

There are some things in life whose exact level of difficulty you fail to realize until you actually experience them; like keeping from wanting to kill something living at least once while going through your period, or not talking to your best friend, or you know, being a orange-headed man trying to blend into the general populace as you tail a dastardly Quincy and the girl who may or may not be your soulmate.

Ichigo kept his head low as he kept a safe distance from the couple, slipping behind and taking advantage of any big objects that came his way.

Not that he needed have worried anyway. Walking a few feet in front of him, their slim, elegant frames keeping perfect pace with each other, Ishida and Rukia were oblivious to the world. Seemingly deep in some conversation Ichigo hoped rabidly was disgustingly boring, they failed to even notice the envious glances of passers-by as they saw the beautiful, petite, violet eyed girl laugh at something said by the tastefully dressed, handsome and intelligent-looking boy walking alongside her. As they turned a corner, Ichigo hurried along, having lost some time in a delicious daydream involving Ishida being slowly roasted on a fire by cannibals.

He had a fleeting moment of fear for his sanity, actually, especially concerning how explicit his urge to maim and murder Ishida was. And, of course, he was stalking people. Apparently, Kurosaki Ichigo did that now.

Gah, but there was no crime in what he was doing!

Immediately, a mental image of Ishida popped in his head, smirking as it folded its pale arms in front of itself.' Reallyyyy, Kurosaki? Really? Stalking is not a crime, eh? Hahahaha haahah! You'll always be so stupid, Kurosaki! I don't know what you think Kuchiki-san would see in you! I'm so much better for my Rukia! Haha!'

'Don't call her that, you stick bastard!', Ichigo growled as he swatted angrily at the non-existent image.' And I'm not stupid either!', he aimed a punch at the image, them howled softly when it went and hit the brick wall.

'You're not?', said a voice from behind him.

Ichigo swiveled around to regard a figure he had least expected to regard.

'Rangiku-san?! What are you doing here?!', he gasped.

Now Matsumoto Rangiku, who'd been standing there for quite a while, throughout his entire conversation with the Ishida who wasn't there, actually, and who had almost added 'could have fooled me' after her initial question, was not unaccustomed to fools. She worded her answer carefully.

'Ohoho!', she said.

Ichigo's eyebrow twitched as a wave of horrible suspicions washed over him. This woman was up to something.

He could feel it in his bones, and godammit if it was another 'help to play a prank to make Taichou smile for once in his depressingly boring life' thing, he was so not in! That one day in an ice prison floating in the sky had been enough for him, thank you very much. More was not necessary.

'What do you want?', he asked, shrinking away from her.

Matsumoto's beautiful face crumpled into a magnificent frown.

Here she was, being all altruistic and all, and this was the thanks she received? Damn Strawberry, treating her like she was a witch!

'Look here, Ichigo-', she started.

'Later! Not now!', he insisted as he leapt out of his hiding place to continue tailing The Quincy-Shinigami couple, relieved to see that he hadn't lost them even with the precious time he'd wasted.

He was going to get this right this time. With God as his witness, this time, this time he was really going to let that Ishida have it! Asking his Rukia out! The dumb cape-wearing weirdo had definitely gone too far this time!

He was so far gone with all his maniacal revenge plans by then that he did not even notice how he'd now started to randomly refer to Rukia as his Rukia. Neither did he realize that Matsumoto had not stayed behind like a good girl the way he'd wanted her too.

He jumped when he felt warm breath on his neck.

'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?', he screamed, jumping away from the fukutaichou. 'PEDOPHILE!'

'What did you just call me, you Orangutan?', she inquired sinisterly, her hand reaching for her zanpaktou.

Aw, hell no. He was totally not in any state to fight right now, what with all the stress of today, along with that of being an orange-haired man trying his hand at stalking.

'Um…I mean, sorry, you startled me…', he lied lamely.

The dark aura around her dissipated a little.

'Well?', she demanded.' What are you doing, boy?'

'Stalking', he said without thinking.

There was a pause, in which she stared at him with an unaffected expression and his face steadily turned redder and hotter.

'Kuchiki?', she asked casually.

Ichigo burst up from his position like a baboon with his butt on fire.

'NO!OF COURSE NOT!WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT! WHY DOES EVERYONE JUST JUMP TO THAT CONCLUSION?!'

'If it's not her then why are you overreacting so much?', Matsumoto observed him insipidly with her hands on her waist.

'I'M NOT OVERREACTING!', he screamed hoarsely with his eyes almost popping out of his head. 'YOU'RE INSANE!'

Matsumoto decided to let the accusation pass. The poor thing had had his nerves sorely tested today. She wasn't completely sure if he'd not snapped and gone crazy actually, seeing as how he was now jumping around the place laughing and sobbing at random intervals.

She hoped not; that would make everything too predictable.

'Well', she said, deciding to be helpful.' This is not how you stalk someone, Ichigo. Surely you didn't think this would work.'

He looked at her through the gaps between his fingers.

'I'm a little freaked out by how casual you are about stalking people,' he admitted. 'It's almost as if…'

'Oh, I've done this so many times before!', she informed him cheerfully. 'I could do this in my sleep! In fact, I remember this one time-'

'Please don't tell me', Ichigo begged.' I want to be able to say that I have no knowledge of your activities when I'm in the witness stand, and mean it.'

'Whatever', she dismissed.' Come now, we must not waste more time!'

'Wait, what's with the _we_?!'

'I'm coming too, of course!', she pouted.' I can't just leave you alone, you clueless boy!'

Ichigo's mouth opened and closed silently with disbelief.

'Are you kidding me?! Look at this! I'm having a hard time blending in as it is! You think you're gonna make things easier?'

'And why not! I'm very good at blending in!', she insisted.

Ichigo observed dryly her irrationally perfect body, her luxurious blonde hair and short clothes.

'I don't think so', he said.

Rukia had beautiful hair, his brain reminded him. And such soft soft skin, and the most beautiful eyes he'd ever encountered, and-

He hit himself hard on the head to stop this particular no-good chain of 's suspicions about his sanity resurfaced for a moment, then she forgot about them in an instant when she caught her reflection in a shop window and started rearranging her hair. A pink hands free in her ear came to life as Kira Izuru, fukutaichou, reminded her that a few hours ago, when she had announced her intention of accompanying Ichigo, he (Kira) and Hisagi had also tried to reason with her using arguments along the same lines, and surely she saw now, that they had been correct?

Matsumoto told them to stuff it and to have some sake ready for when she returned.

'There!', she declared at last, satisfied with her stunning mirror image.' Come now, let's go or we'll lose her.'

She started walking, then noticed that Ichigo wasn't following.

'Oi!', she said. But he sat slumped against the wall of the shop, his head lowered, his hair hiding his eyes.

She walked over when she realized he wasn't going to budge.

'Oi, Ichigo', she wheedled, sensing the suddenly serious atmosphere.' What's wrong?'

He didn't look up.

'Don't you want to know why I'm following Rukia?', he asked.

'What's there to not know?', she crossed her arms in front of her generous chest. Then added,' Everyone knows, Ichigo. Everyone has always known...'

'Except me', he said.

'Now that's not true, is it?', she smiled lightly.

After a slight pause, he shook his head softly.

'I guess not', he agreed.

'It's alright', Matsumoto clapped him on the back.' Everyone is afraid of feelings, Ichigo, so you don't need to feel too bad. If you denied your feelings recognition, it is because you were scared too. And as Kuchiki has told you before, it's okay to be scared sometimes. It's really fine...'

'Do you think…', his voice was weak, a little pleading almost.' Do you think it'll work out?...You know, Rangiku-san…Rukia is…she is very precious to me. I can't bear the thought of losing her, so I need to be sure before I take any steps…Do you think that she'll feel…this way…'

The blonde woman made an impatient sound.

'How can you even doubt that?', she asked crossly.' You know her better than that, Ichigo! And you've heard her yourself…The man in her heart…is you. That is what Kuchiki Rukia has said, and Kuchiki Rukia doesn't say things she doesn't feel. You know that, even more than me!'

Another pause, and then, she could hear the slight grin in his voice, even though she couldn't see it, as he said,

'That midget is really cheesy sometimes, isn't she?'

Matsumoto grinned.

'You're really not going to do any better than her, you know that right?'

'Che!'

Grinning even wider, Matsumoto reached down to pull him to his feet. This time, he offered no resistance.

'Now seriously, hurry up!', she admonished.' You don't wanna lose her to Ishida, do you?'

'As if!', he retorted angrily as he jumped up and stormed ahead, eyes shining with new determination.

And as she made to follow him, Matsumoto's smile faded a little, because she had noticed, even if no one else had, that Ishida Uryuu hadn't been the perfect choice for this mission after all.

* * *

*wipes sweat from brow* There!

Review please! If you want me to continue, i need to know that i'm not boring you! ^_^

Thank you!


	9. We the idiots

Whaa, its been so long! I'm sorry this is short and somewhat bland, but please excuse me. Its been so long! Will do better with the next chapter! :D enjoy!

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Ichigo realized a few things while Matsumoto Rangiku was forcing a crash course on stalking on him. The first was that she probably was not either as good or as successful a stalker as she claimed to be-and the second was that the lack of morals in her was shocking in a way that opened up completely new chapters in the field of sociopath study.

She was also making him incredibly nervous, panicky and pessimistic- almost all of it at the same time-by being as unsupportive as a person could get.

Her advice was questionable at best.

" First, do not make eye contact with subject."

"ANY IDIOT WOULD KNOW THAT!"

"Second, if you think you're invisible then they cannot see you."

"ARE YOU HIGH!?"

"Always try to be as boisterous as possible. It distracts the subject from your intentions."

"GET OUTTA HERE!"

"If you kidnap her brother-"

" DON'T EVEN END THAT ONE!"

"Are you a boxer or a brief guy-"

"NOT RELEVANT!STOP IT!"

Perhaps sitting in a seat partially hidden in vegetation and slurping furiously on a mango milkshake while spying on Rukia and Ishida wasn't super clever. It certainly wasn't speeding things along. But he felt like it was better than doing whatever it was that Matsumoto was trying to get him to do. Many of her unasked-for suggestions involved kidnapping people- a worrying feature that she failed to provide a satisfying explanation to, and many of them advertised injury to self.

This far, neither Rukia nor Ishida had noticed them. Ichigo, meanwhile, at times even postponed blinking to make sure they did not have even a single unsupervised minute. He didn't trust that stuck-up human pencil as far as he could throw Zaraki taichou. Matsumoto lounged beside him in her chair, idly picking at her ice cream, looking extremely bored.

"Gawd you're so DULL !," she whined.

"Are you bored?," he asked her. "Well then, please leave."

"Do you not want my help?! If its like that just come out and say it properly!," she shouted.

"I HAVE! I have said that so many times I don't even know-"

"Geez, okay, okay, I'll stay since you're begging like that."

Ichigo crushed his fifth Styrofoam milkshake container into a pulp.

He watched Ishida pick out cherries from his dessert and transferring them to Rukia's when she wasn't looking and snorted forcefully. That idiotic Quincy! Rukia wasn't like other girls! You couldn't just give her your food and win her ov-

His grin turned to a murderous scowl when he saw Rukia's face light up at the sight of the cherries. She grinned like a schoolgirl as she popped one in her mouth, her violet eyes widening and sparkling in happiness.

Something twisted in Ichigo's chest. When had she smiled like that with him? Even Ishida, who'd been looking strained with some worry earlier, couldn't keep from smiling at the kind of face she was making. When had he even seen Ishida smile like that?

Ichigo dropped bonelessly into his chair. Why was this happening? He didn't want to see this. This isn't how it was all supposed to go.

I know I'm harsh sometimes, he thought tiredly. I know I can be rough. But I thought it was okay. What am I to do?... I can't be like Ishida.

"Does that mean I can't make her smile like that?," he asked out loud. When Matsumoto didn't reply, he looked up.

To see her halfway into her way to their quarry's table.

Ichigo's heart caught in his throat.

'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?," he semi-whispered furiously.

"Relax!," she replied." Nobody can see me, so I'll go and find out what those two are talking about."

Ichigo's eyes were straining at their sockets."THEY CAN BOTH SEE YOU!"

But she ignored him.

There was no other way. He jumped up from his seat and tackled her into the bushes.

Kinda.

Apparently, tackling wasn't as easy as they made it look like in movies. By the time he'd grabbed her and was pushing her out of sight of Rukia and Ishida, he possessed as much balance as a one-legged elephant. Then they were toppling into an old couple's table and Ichigo was looking at some time in a mental hospital.

Ichigo's face was almost in the woman's sundae when there was a flash, and the next moment they were back at their own table.

"Matsumoto! Care explaining to me why I had to shunpo you out of killing someone again?"

Matsumoto snapped out of her bewilderment.

"TAICHOU!," she shouted, opening her arms and glomping Hitsugaya Toushiro, who immediately commenced to struggle and order her to unhand him.

"Wait, what did you mean by killing someone AGAIN?," Ichigo asked.

"What makes you think you have a right to my private life?," Matsumoto pouted.

"Well, you've been helping yourself to mine, haven't you!?"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!," Hitsugaya screamed.

Ichigo shut up. With Rukia not being around, it had been a while until someone had ordered him to do that. He kinda missed that.

"Anyway, Taichou what are you doing here?," Matsumoto asked. " I thought you left earlier."

"Earlier?," Ichigo asked. They ignored him.

Hitsugaya frowned.

"I was keeping an eye on Abarai… Che, but he seems to have given me the slip."

"Renji?! Renji's here!?Where?", Ichigo jumped up.

Matsumoto looked at him.

"Just when I started thinking you might be straight after all…," she started.

"Stop! '" Ichigo shrieked. "What kind of things are you thinking? How come all your conclusions are so wild?!"

"Then, I'll be leaving…", Hitsugaya interjected boredly, already starting to walk away

"No, Taichou wait!," Matsumoto grabbed the tiny captain by his hakama. "Since you've come all this way, stay and help!"

"Matsumoto! Let go of me!," Hitsugaya struggled angrily.

"Let him go! It's bad enough you're forcibly tagging along! There are too many people involved in this! We're stalking, not going to a wedding!," Ichigo screamed.

Matsumoto ignored, Hitsugaya swore and Ichigo screeched.

This went on for a remarkable amount of time.

Luckily, there was no on to witness this. Except for the stalker unit, of course. They knew their boss would want a report of this even though she was a party to the incident, but found themselves essentially at a loss on how to word whatever was happening. They experienced mild depression because of this and cheered themselves up by indulging in some sunglasses-shopping.

They don't seem to have much of a part in this story after all.

* * *

Next chapter- Ishida and Rukia will come in, promise! :3

Wow, its been a while!I'm so sorry if its a little dry!Hopefully I will pick up the spirit again in the next chapter!

Please enjoy yourself and leave reviews! Thanks a bunch for reading!You're all awesome! :D


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